Marriage is a gamble

This is a very popular saying among my friends. If love works, it’s for life or only for tonight.

It starts from our childhood. Parents brainwash kids into thinking that marriage is a measure of success. They use words and phrases like “settle down”, “responsibility” “value of money”. As soon as he is of marriageable age, which is again up for debate, the parents start dropping hints of settling down, playing with grandchildren, tell your wife this and that and so on. In India, marriage can be arranged like a business transaction by doing thorough research on the groom or bride to be. It this practice has its own merits and can be a success if both parties commit to it and are open to new experiences. But it’s still a gamble. The person may turn out exactly the way they portrayed or they may have a totally hidden personality.

Marriages are a societal requirement if you want to have kids or be legally committed to another. If we look at the basic thought behind marriages, we know it’s simply two people enjoying each other’s company, sharing the same dreams, wanting to leave a legacy of oneself in the form of children, wanting to grow old together. So why do most marriages fail now a days. I can write a hundred reasons right from adultery to simply growing apart. As humans we crave for love, and when life takes over, with all its trials and turbulence, love takes a back seat. And that, I think, is why I believe marriages fail. Because we forget the main reason why we wanted to share our lives together. But sometimes marriages also end due to the wrong judgment made by an individual about their object of affection. Those are the more painful ones, but in our wrong judgment lies our maturity. We need to simply accept that yes we misjudged someone and move on and not constantly doubt your judgment of others.

Marriages play a huge role in your self-esteem and sometimes your careers. When you are single, you can have your moments of loneliness. Then you see your married friends share an invisible bond, see them finishing off each other’s sentences. In some companies, married workers are preferred over non married workers as they reflect a sense of commitment and focus. But again, this is very subjective as I have a lot of single friends who are go-getters and in fact spend more time in the office and are eligible for higher bonuses simply because they could get more work done.

I always believed that supporting a person at the bottom of the ladder, strengths the bond like no other. When my bachelorette friends are looking for potential spouses, they always put money as one of the criteria to be fulfilled at the top. Some say that’s being practical and there is no harm in that. Here’s my two paisa worth and I know some may disagree. Comments are welcome:  A marriage should only be entered into if you want to commit your time and love and you need companionship.

If I had a daughter and I was searching for a groom for her, this is truly what I would look for:

1.       He knows her in and out, her whims, her moods and dislikes.

2.       He can provide her the basic comforts.

3.       He loves her and has no prior history of cheating her.

If he didn't have a stable job or if he was still struggling with a job, would not make him less worthy. If he were struggling to fulfill his dreams and she was there to support him, that would strengthen their relationship more than a vacation taking in Maldives. This is what I would advise her.

Today we educate our daughters and make them independent then we only tell them to search for settled guys. Don’t we trust our girls to manage home and work? What is the point of educating girls when all they have to do is marry into money? Why should the sole responsibility of being the bread winner lie only on the boys? It’s time this social attitude changed , because we can scream on top of our voices about equality but this basic right to work and provide for the family can also be job of the woman of the house.

I think we can have successful marriages if we have a genuine reason to get married. We shouldn't get married if your parents want you to, or all your friends are getting married or you are just plain lonely. When you’re truly ready to commit to the person you have to be accepting to the person’s vices as well. You need to see the person when they are fuming red with rage, when they fail, how they treat others who are ‘social inferiors’. You need to know what makes them tick and what is that makes them whole. Only then can you seriously think of committing to share your life with that person.

It takes two to make or break a relationship. Accept that. Marriage is not a compulsion, it doesn't make or break you but it is supposed to complete you.

K

27^th December 2013.

Survivor

He raped her repeatedly for a full day. Then he tossed her in front of a government hospital. She didn't see his face; he had masked her eyes. Yes, he was a rapist but not a murderer.

The next day the headlines screamed “Raped” in bold letters but now everyone was used to these headlines.  They just turned the pages as if nothing had happened. But for Tracy, life had changed.

Due to excessive bleeding, she was moving in and out of conscious. The doctors worked on her furiously, seething with rage inside. One doctor in particular wondered how two men born from the same species could be so different: The rapist who used her and threw her away and he who was trying to save her.

The bleeding stopped; Tracy cried a loud piercing cry. Her nightmares had become a reality. One of the doctors, Dr. Anderson probed her about her family. Tracy said she had a mother who lived on 3^rd Avenue. She regained her composure and was able to give her statement to the police. Her mother came and she cried again. She couldn't recall when someone had grabbed her from behind while she was on her way back home. No part of her wanted to relive that moment but it was vital information if she wanted him to be caught. She described the route to the police officer as much as she could remember. The police officer had seen too many cases of these and knew that if not caught he would strike again.

It was a month, since that day. The day she wanted to forget but could not. She puked even at the thought of food. But this time she felt a strange feeling inside her. She felt a life may have been planted within her. She puked again.

Her worst fear was staring at her in her face. The home pregnancy test confirmed her fears. The hospital had taken precautions they had said. They had given her pills to take. Then how could this happen? Why did she feel that god was laughing at her? Wasn't it enough that she felt unwashed even after having a bath three times a day? Wasn't it enough that even a gaze from a stranger repulsed her? No, she thought, she would not keep the child. . But she had been brought up with values, values which condemned her from taking another’s life. Her mother told her maybe she could see now what the rapist looked like if she decided to keep the child. That night she tossed and turned but the thought of facing her agonize r, gave her new hope.

She took care of it. She had the medicines, she bore the pain. She had him.

The labor lasted for 8 hours. But she didn't cry. She wanted to see him. She hated him already. The nurses bought him close to her but she didn't want to touch him. In the middle of the night, he wailed and wailed and the nurses didn't heed him. She staggered out of bed and held him for the first time. She looked at him. He was crying but he was innocent. He had her eyes and her nose. She tried to see any unique features but she saw none. The more she saw him up close, the more he resembled her.  She cried for the first time in nine months. She cried because she had to give him up the next day but now her heart wanted to keep him. Father Francis had signed him up for adoption at the local orphanage and there was no one who wanted a rapist’s child. But now the child in her hand was hers and not that of the rapist. 

She had survived that day, she had survived the full nine months and she was going to survive motherhood. She would raise him to be a better person that his father could ever be. She was a survivor.

K

1/16/14

Top ten professions that the world cannot do without

The world is filled with teachers, doctors, architecture, cost accountants, bankers and advertisers business man selling various products. We definitely need them and every parent would like their child to grow up into any one of these secured careers. However, there are certain professions that the world cannot do without as these professions add the beauty and meaning to this dreary world but are considered less secure.

1. Writers: Of course the first one has to be writers. Imagine all the newspapers talking of only the financial news or crimes. Feature writers are so very much needed. We need them to fill out the spaces between government news and crime news.
2. Insurance Advisers: When we take up our first job in any sector, we are also approached by insurance agents who want us to plan for the future, plan for our retirement or even for our loved ones after our passing away. I think these people have the right intention but are often misunderstood due to the commission based job and the hassle of claiming the money. But they are required, if you want to be independent in your late years and not be dependent on your loved ones financially.
3. Pastry chefs: Ok I know all the chefs may be offended that food is more essential and that their profession is what the world needs. I agree to the same and now this is one of the more secure professions of our times. But many a times, we discourage anyone wanting to be a pastry chef. I need my desserts. You can feed me vegetables, you can feed me diet food but I need my dessert to complete my meal. They literally add sweetness to our lives.
4. Sportsmen: If every child was conditioned to grow up to be a banker or a lawyer or into any secured line of work, then the country would have no playgrounds. Children would only concentrate on studying and would be obese due to lack of exercise. Even chess or indoor games would be used to measure only the IQ of the child and nothing else.
5. Defense services: Very rarely do we find civilians without any defense personnel in their family joining the defense forces. I could be wrong on this but generally if your father or grandfather was in the army then the children are more inclined to move into the defense services and also because the family is more familiar with the nuances of army life. There could be more people inclined to the defense forces if our children were given that option and our fears of keeping them protected and within our horizon wasn't more overpowering.
6. Artiste: When we talk of an artiste, it a huge umbrella. We have sketchers, painters, musicians, singers, actors, graffiti artists, fashion designers, painters on glass, disc jockey etc. So if a child wants to pursue any one of these options it is immediately met with dismissal. These professions are less secure i.e. no monthly income. But if we didn't have these artistes amongst us would we understand the depth of color, the emotion in a singers voice, the trauma enacted based on real life scenarios? Imagine how dreary would our lives be if we didn't listen to our favorite song when we felt blue, or if we couldn't express our emotions through various colors and strokes. Our clothes would be completely mismatched and our sense of fashion would only reflect in the type of cars we purchased and what seat color it would be.
7. Animators: Some people would not agree with me on this one particular profession. But what’s life without Tom and Jerry? Imagine not being able to see the droopy eyes of the cat in Shrek, or watching the magic in Santa Claus. In fact because of the animators, our kids have imaginations; they show animals which are extinct, they show animals talking, they believe in fairies and genies, make wishes keeping those characters in mind. So if we didn't have this industry the advertisements shown on TV would be mere placards of black and white selling their products. The children would never sing along with their favorite cartoon character and never know what a wicked witch looks like or what it is to be compassionate to your friends. Truly the animation industry brings joys to the heart of the children and adults alike, a world of fantasy to escape to.
8.  Environmentalists: We are so busy in our day to day lives that we don’t seem to worry about things that plague our world. Where would our world be if we didn't have environmentalists who were not fighting for saving the rain forest or planting more trees or adopting animals? Would we know what dolphins look like if they didn't have protesters protecting them and ensuring laws are passed for the same?
9. Photographers: If only we could capture all our memories in our head and rewind them when we are old and need to reminisce. But this is one profession which has grown leaps and bounds. It’s not only about the wedding photographer anymore; its wildlife photography, its nature and finding the hidden creatures and their emotions and capturing them at the right moment which makes this the profession what we need.
10. Comedy writers or stand-up comedians: The reason why I have listed this separately as against combining it with the artiste tag is because I feel that it takes a lot of effort to make someone laugh. We all are going through life’s struggles so tragedy comes more easily to us. But to laugh in the face of adversity is phenomenal. To consistently search for humor in grim situations and to turn it around requires a lot of talent and should be always wanted and appreciated.

So my appeal is to every parent to let the kids explore territories which are less secure, have more risk but are essential for the world to work as a well-oiled machine.

There could be more professions that I may have missed out purely to my limited knowledge of the world, but I would love to hear about it from you. Let me know how passionate you are about a particular profession.

K

November 26, 2013.

Muse

She was a star. Everyone loved her. Her looks could melt anyone’s heart. It was no wonder she had 10 million followers.

An actress by profession and a singer by choice, Tara was every director’s dream. She had been acting from the age of 15, so she knew the long hours took a toll on her, but she had me and I didn't care about the laugh lines and the worry lines.

It was an award night and she was nominated for the Best Actress award again. She had one live performance as well. She came running to me. She had been crying, as she didn't win the award. She cried not only because she lost the award but also because she had given up her love yet again, in pursuit for the prize. Now she was left with nothing but me.

I saw her again the next day, without a trace of the angst of last night. But her eyes never lied. As she looked at me with eyes wide open, all I could do was be lost in them. I understood her. I relished those lips that she offered to me, her lipstick doing no justice to the already pink lips. Her cheeks were as white and rosy from the winter and her breath on me gave me the warmth I needed. She had to run; the director was waiting for her.

Tara loved all things bright - bright clothes, vibrant cars. She also loved not so bright men. Every hero in the industry, married or unmarried had made passes at her. But she was smarter than them. She used them to get the juicy roles, leaving her contemporaries biting their nails. She knew how to twist her hero’s ego, without giving them what they wanted. She laughed and told me all her secrets. I loved her even more.

Then one night she came to my house, badly bruised. She had been in a fight with her current toy-boy and he had slapped her, leaving a mark from his ring. This was the first time I saw her scared. She tried to run away from him but he had grabbed her and tried to hit her again. She hit him in his groin and ran for the door. I wrapped a blanket around her as she narrated the incident, her shivering body felt at ease.

She said “Look at me; I can’t go out like this. I can’t let the world see Tara like this”. She felt broken. The bruise was swelling; I applied some ice to her bruises.

 I hugged her for the first time and told her “Tara, I love you but I can’t heal you this time”.

 “What do you mean?” she said.

“Tara you need to make a complaint, he has been hitting you far too long. You need the world to see this. He has to be punished.”

She cried. Without a word I grabbed her face and told her “You are beautiful, my little one, but you need to be strong”. She held me close for a long time and finally drifted off to sleep on my sofa.

The next morning as we were heading out to work, Tara held my hand and said “I don’t know how I can ever repay you; you are more than my make-up man. You know me inside out. You hide my bruises but you can see my pain; you wipe the tears from my eyes but it’s you who cries inside. I looked at her and interrupted “But, I know you have to keep up pretenses’, you have to play your part. You can talk to me about the men that you are dating but you can never be mine. Correct?” She smiled back.

I will always love her. She is my muse and I am her slave and we will remain forever entwined.

Muse

K

6^th January 2014.

Love vs. Money.

This is one of the most difficult choices one makes in their lifetime, because the consequences of choosing one over the other have to be accepted for the rest of one’s life. If we choose love over money, we will be craving for things which are beyond our reach. If we choose money over love we will have to face heartaches. We choose money over health, because we always take life for granted and are not afraid of death.

Let’s look at love.  Love between parents, siblings, spouses or partners is essential for us. Without love everything you do in life, everything you achieve in life could always be inadequate. How different would our lives be if we didn't have the ones we love? Imagine getting a huge promotion but not having someone to celebrate it with. Imagine missing your children’s’ growing up years while you were toiling away in a foreign land. Imagine you coming home to an empty house, after a particular grueling day at work. Imagine.

Let’s look at money. Money is essential for physical survival. Sometimes for mental survival when depression sets in and you need to get professional help. Money helps the sick get better. Money helps to put food on the table. Money is required for you to have a basic education. To make money, you need money. Can we live without money? No, the beggar on the street is proof of that.

Another phenomena I can’t seem to understand is of a single woman who wants to commit to a relation but will only look for a man who is financially well off. In India, we have this concept of arranged marriages where the man and woman meet over coffee and decide whether they want to live their life together. As crazy as it seems, this has more chances of success than the “love marriage” concept. Probably because the mind is used more than the heart, questions of financial independence, whether the girl will want to work after marriage etc. are common and are required to be asked. I know quite a few woman who are strong individuals and independent but will reject a man purely because he doesn't earn as much as her. Marriage can’t be a rosy picture all the time, you have to struggle and if you have someone who you can share your struggle with, then why should the man be rejected for that?  If you loved the man wouldn't you have made the sacrifices for him? Then why do single woman wanting a meaningful relationship run away at the slightest sign of insecurity.

More important than love or money for me would be health. Without good health neither will you be able to work or provide for the ones you love nor will you be able to truly love from your heart.

So how do we strike a balance between the two? Some don’t need to make this choice and can have both, some choose money over love. To live a life without love is not to have lived at all.

So even though you may have loved and lost, understand that now you know who to seek for in life.

Even though you may have been cheated and robbed of your money, you are more cautious and wiser.

It’s not necessary to always choose one over the other; we can have both or none and still find happiness. For example when you volunteer at various charitable institutions you don’t do it for money or love. It’s probably done to lighten the heart or to acknowledge someone else suffering and empathize with them.

 I think that we can have both. If we compromise on our wants, accept our choices and patiently wait for our turn in the rain, we will be rewarded with the rainbow. 

K

November 25, 2013.

Alzheimer' s

He was running as fast as his small legs could carry him. “Come on Dad, faster”.  Andrew watched his son run faster and faster, there was something in his run that he would never forget. That was in 1965.

Today it was 1999, the year just preceding the Y2 K bug. The year in which rumors of computers crashing, planes in midair collisions were rampant as programmers had not converted the year in the system from 1900’s to 2000.

Today Andrew could barely remember his son. He knows the person lying next to him is important but he cannot remember why. He gets up from bed, his parched throat indicating his need for water. He makes his way slowly towards the kitchen. He reaches the bedroom door and stops. He looks around. All the memories are clouded now. In the darkness he can see Samantha breathing slowly and steadily. He walks back to his bed and goes back to sleep. He cannot remember why he got up.

It’s now 2002. Andrew gets up early, starts to dress up for his morning walk. The bed is empty. There used to be a body there now no more. He still doesn't know why.  He can hear some rustling noises coming from outside the room. He moves slowly towards the noise. He sees her; She smiles “Good Morning Andy”. She knows his name but he doesn't know who she is. She hands him a diary and his spectacles. He accepts both. The diary reads - “Your name is Andrew, Samantha is your wife and you have a son named Austin. You may not remember anything but we all love you and will take care of you. He reads further and sees how chronically she has maintained his life events and updated it till yesterday. He remembers Samantha.

It is 2004. Everyone’s a stranger. There is a man who helps him bathe, he feeds him and puts on his favorite Television series of Tom and Jerry. Austin hugs his father and waits for the nurse to arrive, talking to his father about Mr. Mehta his boss in the office.  He knows that Andrew may not remember anything but talking to him makes him feel light and he needs someone who will listen, not judge. He needed someone who he loves unconditionally even though it’s not reciprocated. Oh how he wished to be ten again, running through the park with his dad racing along with him. Mom is no more and they only have each other.

It is 31^st December 2004. Andrew is in a Home with total strangers. Strangers whose names he doesn’t need to remember. A boy is holding his hand and they watch on a television screen as the numbers recount 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Austin wishes him “Happy New Year”. Andrew smiles and says, “Happy new year Joseph”. Austin smiles and wonders how long he has to pretend to be Joseph, his uncle, who had passed away many years ago. But as long as his father remembers him he would pretend to be Joseph.

Its 2005. The funeral was small and it was right after Valentine day. Just yesterday Austin told Andrew that he was marrying his sweetheart Janet and wanted him to be there for the wedding. Even in his pain he smiled, because he didn't have to pretend to be Joseph anymore.

Alzheimer’s

1/2/2014

K.

Stalked

*.......*

The phone rings. 

Another caller. 

“Its me.”

She instantly recognized his voice.

“Thank you for calling ABC Corporation. How can I help you today?”

“You know how you can help me?” he says with the intensity he has called every night at the call center.

“Sir, I am sorry but I have told you again and again that I cannot meet you.”

She was used to this routine of push and pull. She wanted to bang the phone down but a job meant food on the table for her child and her husband. She suppressed the urge to disconnect and proceeded as per protocol.

“Why can’t you meet me? What have I done? Don’t you remember? We were together in our previous birth!”

The pace of his breathing increased and she knew what was coming next.

“Sir, if there is anything in regard to the product from ABC Corporation I can help you. Or else I am afraid I have to disconnect this call.”

She reached for the red button.

“Wait, Wait ... ok you don’t want to meet me. I won’t call you again.”

She had heard this repeatedly in the past month, she knew she could not believe him.

“But you have to fulfill my one wish. You have to tell your daughter and your unborn child that there was someone who loved you more than life itself.”

She panicked.

She had never mentioned her family to him. How did he know? Was he following her? Was he stalking her? She knew all calls got recorded and she signaled to her supervisor to listen to the call.

He said “I know you don’t want to see me but I am leaving the country and I want to see you."

Her supervisor indicated to her to transfer the call to him. But she persisted.

“Sir, I am afraid I have to transfer this call to my supervisor.” Her hand was on her belly, protective of her unborn child.

“Who? That buffoon Mehta? He doesn’t know the C of customer service! He came up the ranks only by buttering the bosses with compliments. I am surprised he is still on shift considering his girlfriend left work an hour back. Cheater that he is! Did he tell you how he drops her home on the pretext of safety and tells his wife he is working late?”

The supervisor rushed to her fuming with rage and grabbed her headset from her head.

“You listen, you piece…”

Beep Beep… the line went dead.

Without a word, Mehta went back to his desk and traced the call...

Obviously it was switched off.

Cursing, he announced to the remaining four employees on the floor.

“Anyone gets a call from number ending in 1243, transfers the call to me directly.”

She logged out and puked her dinner. Somehow the thought of the stalker being in the same office as her made her feel dirty.

Dirty because he must have seen her, walked past her, maybe had talked to her.

How she wished to be home curled up against her daughter, who was sleeping without a care in the world.

*Stalked*


~K